The good, the bad, and the just plain ugly.

One of my favorite General Conference talks was "Good Better Best" by Dallin H Oaks.  See here https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng  It demonstrates how easy it is to loose perspective on what is truly good and beneficial and get side tracked or distracted on what only appears to be good and beneficial.  The other day I encountered a female church leader publicly berating another woman for leaving their church.  When she was finished she vocally patted herself on the back for being such a good little messenger of God by condemning an obvious way-word soul.  The spectators, however, rallied around the supposed sinner accusing not her but the church leader of un-Chrisitan behavior.  The leader was genuinely shocked at everyone's reactions, afterall she truly believed she was in the right and that her actions were not only justified but encouraged by God. This got me thinking about the different kinds of "righteous" behavior and I decided they can be pretty much summed up into three categories- The Good, The Bad, and The Just Plain Ugly.

The good-

During the time of Christ, the Law of Moses was pretty much the gold standard and was based on the ten basic commandments.  One commandment was to keep the Sabbath day holy.  I believe the original point, or spiritual purpose, was to take time to honor and remember God.  A day of reflection and gratitude for all that had been given and all that was to come.  Those following this commandment gained the blessings of feeling God's love and peace.  It allowed for a spiritual rejuvenation that aligned their hearts and minds with a greater purpose of love and goodwill towards themselves and their fellow men.

The bad-

Overtime, however, people became less concerned with how they were spending their Sabbath and more concerned about how others were spending their Sabbath.  Soon specific rules and regulations were created such as how many steps one could walk on the Sabbath and what kind of foods could and could not be prepared.  The Sabbath was no longer about a day of reflection and gratitude but a day of making sure you were doing exactly what you were suppose to and not doing anything you weren't.  It became very important to follow these rules precisely down to the very letter of the law.  Proponents of these strict rules pushed aside the spirit of the law in favor of controlling it.  They became obsessed with making sure they and everyone else were staying within the boundaries that were set.  Their hearts became hard- unbending and unforgiving.

The just plain ugly-

As if following all these complicated rules wasn't enough, some people felt the need to take things even further.  Apparently worrying about what their neighbors were doing wrong just became to easy and natural for them so they began to worry about what their neighbors thought THEY were doing wrong.  They realized, for example, that although the law allowed for a certain distance to be walked, a neighbor seeing them out and about might question if they were under the allotted threshold so it was best to just stay home entirely.  Then just in case their neighbors thought they were not actually at home, where in deed they should be, they would perch themselves on their porch displaying to the world their righteousness.  After all there would be no point in wasting a day at home if there was no one to see and later congratulate their perfect behavior.  Not to mention that from their porch they could more clearly spy on their neighbors in order to pass judgement on them later- preferably in public with a large audience.  Indeed to them the appearance of evil was just as bad, if not worse, than the actual act of evil (which in this case was breaking one of the rules set by the previous hard liners.)  Their hearts became prideful spewing disgust of all they found unworthy and beneath them.

Now we fast forward 2000 years and it's apparent that these various attitudes are not limited to members of a specific religion or even to religion at all.  These attitudes can be found in all people and in all aspects of their lives.  Below is a list of just some of things that make me either want to roll my eyes or punch someone in the face because lets face it- some are beyond ridiculous.

Parental discipline-

The good:  Setting boundaries and making expectations for kids that will help protect them and encourage their growth and prosperity.  Discussing with kids the purpose and motivation for the guidelines and helping them to be successful.

The bad:  Saying "no" for the sake of saying no.  Refusing to consider the individual needs and potential of each individual child.  Threatening a misbehaving child with a punishment that far out weighs the poor behavior in an attempt to gain submission.

The just plain ugly: Seating your family front and center at public events so the whole world can see just how perfect and wonderful they are, but not before scaring the kids with promises of a toilet bowl swirly to any child that makes you look bad.

Work ethic-

The good:  Employees and co-workers that are capable and willing to assess situations and do what it takes to get the job done in a way that benefits the company and the customer.

The bad:  Employees and co-workers that cleave to their job description like their life depended on it.  They are punctual, but refuse to stay late.  They are committed to their own duties but refuse to help out anyone beyond what was dictated to them when hired.

The just plain ugly:  They show up early and volunteer to stay late because it makes them look good- not to mention the added hours on their time card.  During the course of the day they either flutter around asking others how they can help or they find some big project to tackle like cleaning out the fridge in the employee lounge.  They tend to take a long time to complete these tasks and in the mean time, their actual duties are being neglected and often end up being completed by others.  They brag about how helpful they've been and when called out about neglecting their own duties they act hurt and under appreciated.

Modesty-

The good:  Youth are taught to dress in a way that shows respect for themselves and others.  Individual personality is not only allowed but encouraged all while emphasizing the importance of good hygiene/grooming and consideration for the activity or venue to be attended.

The bad:  School staff armed with rulers and measuring tapes at school dances.  Yearbook committees adding four inches of neckline to photos already cropped above the bust line.  

The just plain ugly:  Magazine articles scrutinizing the possible provocativeness and lewdness of a toddler in a diaper.  Anonymous letters written to young women by apparently super righteous young men indicating their up most love and desire but inability to act on said attraction due to the vulgar nature of her plain black leggings showing under her floral skirt- shocking! 

Public Commentary-

The good: Striving to consider multiple perspectives.  Speaking with a respectful, courteous tone.  Disagreeing as needed, but in a manner that is free of condemnation for those whose opinions you disagree with.

The bad:  Political correctness.  While empathy and respect is important, using political correct terminology can get out of hand especially considering it is always changing. Crippled, handicap, disabled, physically challenged- whatever, in five more years society will slap on some new term but in the end the fact is changing the label doesn't change how people are actually treated.

The just plain ugly:  Insincere public apologies by public leaders or celebrities.  People that feel that making personal public attacks are justified by either claiming to share a commonality with their opponent (i.e. woman denouncing feminists) or claiming to be an expert in the subject matter in controversy, or both.

While everyone has good and bad days in their behavior towards others, our general characterisitics are determined by the attitudes and beliefs we hold.  This means that regardless of what we claim to believe or even think we believe, our true beliefs are brought to light by our actions and treatment of others.

Picket Fences

If the word of God is a seed, then religion would have to be its picket fence.  We plant the seed. We water it. We pray for the sun to shine down upon it. But is this enough?  Surely some unruly dog might come over and trample all over it, or worse dig it up entirely!  No, this seed needs to be protected so we decide to build a fence around it. Perhaps we go to the hardware store and look at a variety of options or maybe we just go with what our neighbors are using so they match or perhaps we choose the style our parents used because it's familiar.  Either way before we know it we are gathering supplies and rolling up our sleeves to put in a hards day work constructing the fence that will protect our seed.   Soon we have a nice sturdy fence and we can again turn our attention to the seed... for awhile.

At some point our attention is returned to the fence. Perhaps a neighbor on an afternoon stroll made some passing by comment about how critters could still squeeze through the gaps between the slats.  Or maybe while at lunch with friends everyone seemed to be making a big deal about how important white paint on the fence was to really show off the garden's colors.  And then there we are once again, neglecting the seed to tend to the fence.  We don't have time to water and weed because we are too busy painting and constructing.  Perhaps once or twice we even curse God when it rains because now our white fence is going to be splattered with mud for heaven's sake!

On reflection I am amazed how much time I spent obsessing over fences.  Constantly critiquing not only my own fence but just about every fence around.   If I saw a photo of a beautiful flower my fist thought would be, "I wonder what type of fence they used?"  As if it was the fence that created and nurished the flower!  The truth is there are really some spectacular looking fences out there, and perhaps they actually do house some exquisite flowers, but somehow the majority of us have fooled ourselves into thinking that that quality of the fence determines the quality of the flower. 

Fences aren't bad, they can serve a valuable purpose in society and in our own lives. There are even those select few of us who manage to maintain a nearly perfect white picket fence and still give their seed all the care and nurishment it needs, but for most of us I think it is a constant struggle to balance the needs of the seed with the upkeep and appearance of the fence.  Personally, I'd rather see a little more overflowing gardens and a little less white picket fences.  

Elucidation

One thing that has always amazed me about the scriptures is how the translation of just a single word can alter the entire meaning of a verse.  I also love how you can read the same verse with the same translation multiple times and glean something entirely new and different each time.  For the past several weeks, our family has been attending Riverside Community Church in Eagle River.  So far we really love it- but more on that another time.  Anyway, the pastor has been doing a series on the characters of the nativity and one Sunday was focused on Joseph.  As part of the message he was discussing how the betrothal process worked in those days.  After the marriage was arranged, the couple would be engaged to each other.  This engagement was more like a limited marriage in those days and would often last about a year.  During this process, the husband after committing to the wife, would return to his home and the home of his family and would prepare a place for her to come join him and his family at the end of the engagement period.  I don't remember if the pastor brought it up or I just remembered on my own, but prepare a place for her (or you or me) is super similar to Christ's words in John 14:2 "In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you."

Growing up I felt a certain emphasis on the word "mansions."  I kind of came to believe and see this verse as some kind of reward system.  Be faithful, follow the commandments, complete your daily churchy checklist (ie say prayers, read scriptures, etc..) and in return you will have earned yourself a mansion in the sky.  Not a bad paycheck eh?

After learning about Joseph preparing a place for Mary so that she could come live with him and his family I started thinking that this must be what Jesus really meant.  Not some glory prize for a life lived well, but a place for us to come and live with Him and His family.  After all, doesn't Jesus constantly refer to Himself as the bridegroom?  I was able to find another translation of John 14:2 it reads, "In my Father’s house are many rooms: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. "  And then back to King James for John14:3 "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also."

Maybe the difference between mansions and rooms seems trivial to you, and maybe it's just one of those aha moments that is hard to share with others.  Either way, this was very moving to me and brought so much of Christ's teachings together in full circle for me.  He loves us and wants us to be with Him and His family.  He isn't some clerk handing out gift certificates for the afterlife.  He is our friend and our brother and He is preparing to welcome us home.

Merry Christmas! 

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith

Every six months my childhood church holds a general conference where prominent church leaders speak.  Last week my favorite leader gave a sermon regarding questioning your faith.  A quote from his talk is receiving a fair amount of buzz, “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.”  I am sure that many members interpret this to mean one should be leery about any questions that would lead you away from the church- and perhaps that is what the elder meant.  However, one of the great things about literature whether it be a classic poem, the scriptures, or even musical lyrics is that they can have an entirely different meaning to different people and even the same person at different times.

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  Do you know what the archaic definition of doubt is?  It’s fear.  Doubt your fear before you doubt your faith.  I can’t tell you how many times in life I have made decisions based on fear.  Let me say, they almost never were the right decisions.  You can spend your entire life worrying and stressing about the unknown but you are battling a ghost and you will be miserable for it.  Within every religion you will find members and leaders that are happy and those that aren’t.  It baffled me for years until I realized it depended on what the individual was clinging to- fear or faith.  A spiritual foundation in fear stresses obedience, perfection, and eliminating sin (which is everywhere).  Fearful spirituality scrutinizes everything and everyone.  It is judgmental and exclusive.  On the other hand, faith encourages growth, exploration, love and trust.  It is forgiving, encompassing, and all inclusive. 

So for me, doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith means carefully examining whether your known truths, your attitudes and perceptions, are coming from a place of fear or faith.  If a decision or principle you live by involves the words can’t, should, shouldn’t, or have to, then probably something is wrong. “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven…many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name?...And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you.”  Did you know that in the first four books of the New Testament, the books that follow Jesus’s ministry that the word obedience never occurs?  Nada, not once.  That’s because obedience is a system of fear.  The fear of what will happen (or not happen) if one doesn’t comply.   Fear and faith cannot coexist.  People may say they are following the rules because they have faith that there will be some reward at the end, but in actuality they are following the rules because they fear that if they don’t they won’t get the reward at the end.  Perhaps you think the difference is trivial, but to me it is huge!

As I walk my path I am having to carefully examine what principles and truths I want to take with me and what I want to dump along the wayside.  Some are trickier than others because they are so engrained in me and I have held to them for so long.  I have found however, when I let something go, it will either leave this nagging heavy feeling or it will just be missed.  The nagging heavy feeling is the stuff that has to go.  Beliefs based in fear dig into you and claw at you when you try to abandon them.  They yell and scream and make you feel guilty and less than.   Surprisingly, beliefs that are based in faith go quietly.  You could almost walk away and never look back, but then you realize you’re missing something in your life; like losing a best friend.  That’s how you know it’s a belief you want to hold on to.

   

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

So the key aspect of my journey is choice and accountability- meaning that I am now actively making my own choices and not waiting for someone else to tell me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it.  And while that may seem quite liberating, accountability is only a step behind.  See when you cave to someonelse's influence or ideals whether good or bad, it is really impossible to take full credit for the results.  This really comes in handy when you fail, because their is someone else to point the finger at.  When your paving your own path, however, the outcome is laid at your feet.  This isn't altogether bad, but it can certainly be intimidating.

For me, part of being accountable is acknowledging that I have gained 45lbs since high school.  Yes, I can't believe that I am publicly posting this, but for anyone who has seen me in recent years its no secret.  I could blame it on my three pregnancies- but truth be told I weigh more now than I ever did at nine months with any of them.  I could blame it on my rare form of muscular dystrophy that has progressed significantly the past few years, but my facebook forum for LGMD shows others that have managed to keep the weight off.  No, if I am going to start taking control over my life then that means I am going to have to be accountable about my weight and my overall health too.  So here is my plan-

1- This has got to be about lifestyle changes not some fad diet.  So stocking up on fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean meats is essential.

2- The minute I'm told I can't have something it becomes all I can think about.  So no eliminating carbs, snacks, or desserts.  Although hopefully if I'm filling up on #1 then I won't be craving #2 as much.

3- Healthy snacks have to be accessible.  As soon as I get home from the store I clean and prep a ton of veggies and fruits into easy to grab and eat pieces.

4-Tea.  Sorry, I'm not a coffee drinker, but I love love love tea.  And the great thing is it's ZERO calories!  So I usually drink hot green tea with breakfast and either water or iced tea at lunch.  In the evening after dinner about the time Jer is ready to make a plate of nachos or pop some popcorn, I have found drinking a mug of hot chamomile tea does wonders for avoiding late night munchies.  It also is very relaxing and helps me wind down.

5- Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I don't know who came up with this theory but they're a genius.  Seriously.  I am not really a breakfast kind of girl, but lately I have been forcing my self to have either oatmeal, or Cheerios, or whole wheat toast w/ eggs, or whole wheat bagel w/ cream cheese and jam.  I have this super crazy early in the morning when I get up with Oakley so he won't have to have breakfast alone.  The tea helps, it's a nice way to ease into eating that early.  Anyway, I have found that since I started doing this eating healthy the rest of the day has been much much easier.

6- Rewards.  So I have developed a reward system for myself based on hitting five and ten pound goals.  At 5, 15, 25, and 35 lbs lost I get to go buy a new outfit.  At the ten pound marks I get bigger rewards.  The first is going to be a total hair make over.  Feel free to send in suggestions. I started this last week and should hit my first 5lb goal sometime next week so I'll post a picture of my new outfit hopefully next Friday.

So, I doubt I will let you know what the number on the scale actually reads or be posting pictures of myself, but I will keep you posted with how things are going.  Wish me luck!

Because straight is the gate and narrow is the way

I'm an American. Everyone I know is American.  All I know is American- the culture, the laws, the social dynamics, everything.  So when my husband jokingly tossed out some carefree comment of moving to the Bahamas while we were enjoying its pristine beaches one spring I smiled, but secretly it terrified me.  After all America is the country of all countries.  Living anywhere else would just feel wrong. Their laws would be wrong, their system of government would be wrong, their culture and values would all feel wrong.  Besides if I ever gave up my citizenship I would be denying myself and my future posterity the great blessings that can only come to US citizens...forever!

I'm also a member of the dominant religion of my community- at least I was until I stopped attending church two years ago and then recently moved out of state.  But for most of my life my religion was as much a part of me as my citizenship, if not more. Everyone I knew was a member. My mother's ancestors were there at its foundation and my father's parents had left their homelands and families to join the church as converts. It was part of who I was was. My genealogy, my culture, my social life, everything.  So when on occasion I visited other churches, I couldn't help but feel it was wrong. Even during the times I was actively rebelling and seeking a new church to attend none of them seemed right. They talked funny, or had a weird schedule, they smiled too much, they didn't smile enough.  They used the wrong scriptures, they repeated the wrong creed, something if not everything about their church was wrong. I had been raised to believe that there was only one path to God- through my church and if I ever left my church I would be denying myself and my future posterity the great blessings that can only come to members...forever!

So part of my journey here is to learn to let go of fear and to be more open to different religious cultures and beliefs. I plan to read various spiritual books and visit several different churches in my community.  Wish me luck!

My Path, My Journey

Life is a journey, but up until about three years ago I believed there was only one single vision of what that journey was suppose to look like.  I was raised in an upper middle class family with strong religious, political, and social viewpoints that mirrored that of my extremely non-diverse community.  This singleness of mind from just about everyone around me provided a sense of security and belonging, but it also created a very narrow path of how to act and think.  And while there were times that I diverged from that path I always came back, because ultimately I believed what I had been told my whole life- that it was the only way.  The only way for peace, the only way for happiness was following this very narrow path.  Then a few years ago something happened.  I hit a wall.  I hit a wall and realized I just couldn't walk this path anymore.  Why?  Because it's not my path.  This path was created by someone else with their dreams, their desires, their opinions, and their goals in mind.  Once I realized that, I was free.  Free to create my own journey, free to pave my own path.  But I was scared.  My freedom made me feel very vunerable.  I no longer had direction and I questioned my purpose.  So I've spent the past three years sort of floundering around trying to sort out what from my culture and upbringing I want to take with me.  Afterall it wasn't all bad, in fact there was a lot of good maybe even most of it, but certainly not all of it.  So taking what I want from my past and seriously considering what I want for my future, I am ready to start laying my own path ,day by day, cobblestone by cobblestone.